Calvin at Camp: A Stalker's Life
by Blue Paratroopa
Summary: When the Eds are looking at cheerleaders, the enraged Kankers decide to go after other guys, namely, Jason, Marcus, and Charlie Brown. To make things worse, various other villains are invading camp! The result? A gigantic chase scene, of course!
1. Hi, Pretty Cheerleaders

It's been a while, but here we are! A new _Calvin at Camp _story. This one is a little longer than the normal episodes, so it will be put up in several chapters.

* * *

The Eds were anxiously pacing one morning at camp. "When are they gonna get here?" whined Eddy.

"Oh, give them time," said Double D. "Their camp doesn't start the same time as ours."

Ed flailed his arms wildly. "I am anticipating the moment, guys!"

Calvin and Hobbes sat at a table nearby, playing cards. Calvin glared at the Eds and threw his cards down. "Disgusting, Hobbes. Ever since those cheerleaders started training in the gym next to us, that's all the Eds have been watching! It's been days since they last mentioned scams!"

Hobbes narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"I actually miss it," confessed Calvin. "That, and we can't allow these creatures to share a building with us! I'm calling an emergency GROSS meeting so we can figure out what to do about this dilemma!"

Calvin and Hobbes set off through the hall to head out to their treehouse when they bumped into Jason and Marcus. "Hey, guys," waved Calvin, "we're having a GROSS meeting! Wanna come?"

"Can't," said Jason quickly. "Now that the Eds are currently not scamming, no one will be distracted by their crude inventions, so our business will soar!"

"And what's the plan this time?" asked Hobbes.

"We're not sure yet, but we figured we could always use some wood." Jason and Marcus began to walk away, dragging a wagonfull of boards.

"Where'd you get all of those?" asked Calvin.

"The treehouse," called Marcus.

Calvin's eyes bugged out as he watched the two boys leave with his old meeting place. "OUR treehouse?! Where the heck do we hold meetings now?"

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"So this is what it's like to be an Ed," mused Hobbes. He and Calvin found themselves sitting in the broken-down bathroom the Eds usually used for planning scams. Of course, they were too busy looking at girls at the time.

"We have to get rid of those cheerleaders!" growled Calvin. "If the Eds aren't scamming, Jason and Marcus are, and that means we lose our treehouse and get stuck here!" He paused and then added, "That, and everyone knows cheerleaders are the slimiest of all girls."

"So what do we do?" Hobbes asked impatiently. "Stop the cheerleaders ourselves?"

"I'm not even going to try tackling them!" cried Calvin. "One girl is fine, two is easy, three are just more targets to hit, but in that gym, it's a mob scene! I might be able to pick a few off, but in the long-run..." He sighed. Calvin hadn't realized it until now, but he really had no way of getting rid of these cheerleaders!

Hobbes was quiet for a moment, and then said in a low voice, "Well...there's always the Kankers..."

Calvin's eyes widened. "Use girls against girls? Fire with fire? Slime with slime? Hobbes, that's perfect! Those sisters won't be able to stand it when they see the Eds looking at someone else! Besides, if they just attack the Eds, it'll be a lot simpler!"

"Oh, good," Hobbes wondered if this would actually work. "Where does one find the Kankers?"

"Well," said Calvin, leaving the bathroom, "it's more of the Kankers finding you." He looked up to see the Kanker sisters towering over him.

"Did we hear our names mentioned?" asked Lee in a menacing tone.

Calvin forced a smile. "Just the..." he shuddered on his next word, "...girls...I was looking for. Seen the Eds lately?"

"Nah," said Marie, "we've been beating on nerds, mostly."

"I say we get him next!" May started at Calvin, before Lee shoved her away.

"Can it, May. He's talking about our boyfriends! They gettin' us flowers or what?"

Calvin grinned and put his plan in motion. "Sorry, ladies, but it's a sad day. The Eds have their eyes on different girls."

"WHAT?" May burst into tears. "Big Ed doesn't love me anymore?"

Marie grabbed Calvin and shoved him against the wall. "Show us now!"

"Unless you're trying to trick us into letting you off free..." Lee cracked her knuckles.

"No tricks! No tricks!" Calvin squeaked frantically. All three Kankers were holding him now, and if the plan didn't work, he would be doomed. "The Eds are looking at the cheerleaders right now!" he finally blurted.

"CHEERLEADERS?!" The Kankers dropped Calvin.

"That tears it!" said Lee. "There's nothing us Kankers hate more than cheerleaders! Lead the way!" She gave Calvin a shove.

Calvin started walking quickly, when Marie suddenly grabbed him again and warned, "But if you ARE lying, there's gonna be trouble!"

"Trust me, girls," Calvin said, attempting to keep his smile.

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High above camp, someone was piloting a blimp through the fog towards the rec center. "I love it when it's cloudy, I love it when it's gray! No one can see my blimp in the sky. It's about time I returned here. To think, those kids assumed they could merely run me out. ME! All I did was almost turn them all against each other...pure innocent fun. Truly, there's nothing like a cloudy day..."

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The cheerleaders had arrived. The gym they were practicing in had several entrances, including one from the main room. The Eds gazed through the door, memorized by the girls.

Calvin led the Kankers into the main room and proudly showed them the Eds.

"They ARE looking at cheerleaders!" exclaimed Lee.

May was in tears again. "Those tramps! I thought Ed loved me..."

Calvin began to back out the door, assuming his job was done. "Yeah, yeah, heartbreaker. Now go get 'em!"

"I bet our boyfriends won't think they look so cute once they're covered in blood and full of broken limbs!" shrieked Marie, ready to tear up the cheerleaders.

Calvin gulped. He didn't want them to KILL the cheerleaders, they were just supposed to get the Eds away from them! "Uh, I meant you should get the Eds..."

Hobbes nudged him. "This will either backfire completely or work miraculously."

Trampling Calvin on their way out, the Kankers ran down the hall to a different entrance to the gym and ran in, screaming battle cries. Calvin and Hobbes ran after them, afraid of what kind of horrible things would have happened to the poor cheerleaders.

To their surprise, Calvin and Hobbes found the Kankers sitting outside the gym, tied up with pom-poms stuck in their mouths.

"Tough cheerleaders," remarked Hobbes.

The girls angrily struggled out of their bonds. "Now, if you hear me out," said Calvin, "I think that if you just got the Eds and..."

Not wanting to hear what he had to say, the Kankers simply gave Calvin a hard kick into the gym and went on their way.

Unlike the Kankers, however, Calvin's sudden arrival didn't stir the cheerleaders or get him tied up. Instead, they continued their routine, not even noticing Calvin, bouncing him around through their flailing arms. "AAAAAHHHHHH!!! Help me, Hobbes! I don't wanna touch them!"

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At the end of the hallway, there was an unusually dark corner where Lucy resided with her psychiatric booth. She looked up to see three of her frequent clients, the Kankers, running over. They were dressed in unflattering attempts at cheerleading uniforms.

"Hey, Lucy," called Lee, "we gotta run something by ya!"

May posed. "How do we look?"

"If you ain't honest, we'll punch ya!" threatened Marie.

"And we'll punch ya if we don't like the answer, too!" added Lee.

Lucy tried to calm them down, managing to keep her cool. "Girls, girls. Is this all about the Eds?"

"Yeah!" sobbed May. "They're checking out other women!"

"Cheerleaders," grumbled Lee.

"Don't sink to the level of those beauties," soothed Lucy. "I know you have so much more of that, deep within your...your..."

"Guts?" guessed May.

"Yes, guts indeed! What you need to do is to make the Eds realize how much you mean to them."

Lee scratched her head. "We force 'em to like us?"

"Almost," Lucy said patiently. "You go after other men to make them jealous."

"Other men?" Marie was skeptical. "Like who?"

Lucy smiled and pulled out a list. "Luckily, I have a list of all the kids here...let's see...Rolf?"

"Smells like goat," said May.

"Kevin?"

"Might fight back," said Lee.

"Jimmy?"

"That's a guy?" gasped May.

"Calvin?"

"Kid's a freakshow," shuddered Marie.

"Johnny?"

"He's worse!" cried May.

"Snoopy?"

"There's probably laws against that," said Lee.

May had an idea. "Hey, why not Schroder?"

"BACK OFF, HE'S MINE!" yelled Lucy. "How about my brother?"

"The kid pats birds on the head," reminded Marie.

"I KNOW!" Lucy banged her head against her booth. Why were people still bringing that up. Suddenly, an idea struck her. She looked up with a sly grin on her face. "Charlie Brown?" she suggested.

Lee liked this. "Hey, not bad. He's so wishy-washy, not awful to look at, not a nutcase...that works."

"What about us?" whined May.

"Yeah," reasoned Marie, "we can't all chase after one guy!"

"That ain't practical," explained Lee.

Lucy agreed. "Of course, of course. Why not try...Jason and Marcus?"

"Couldn't hurt!" shrugged Marie.

"Yeah!" nodded May.

Lee threw off her uniform. "Now that we've got that out of the way, let's ditch these costumes and start the chase!" She and her sisters ran off to plan.

"Hey, wait a second!" called Lucy. "I think I deserve some pay for that! Come back!"

The Kankers didn't listen. They were too busy getting supplies ready that they had hidden in the girls' locker room.

(To the tune of "Kidnap the Sandy Claws" from _The Nightmare Before Christmas_)

Kankers: _**La, la, la, la, la, etc.**_

_**Go after other guys, make the Eds real mad**_

_**They'll forget the cheerleaders**_

_**We'll ease up a tad**_

Marie: _**First, we're going to chase them 'round**_

_**To a dark hall that can't found**_

_**When we have them cornered**_

_**We'll kiss them so hard, they'll hit the ground**_

Lee: _**That's not bad, but I say nope**_

_**I say we grab a lotta rope**_

_**With lots of knots and blisters and**_

_**They'll be so tight that they'll lose hope!**_

Kankers: _**Go after other guys**_

_**Teach lessons to Eds**_

_**If they still don't like us then**_

_**Smack them in the head**_

May: _**Once we get them jealous then**_

_**Our boyfriends will love us again**_

Lee: _**Eddy, Double D and Big Ed**_

Marie:_** If they say no, they're dead!**_

Kankers: _**Wheeee!**_

Lee: _**I say that we take a football**_

_**Specially for Charlie Brown**_

_**Pull it away, send it flying**_

_**Then we'll pounce when he is down**_

Marie: _**Don't forget there's Jason**_

_**And there's Marcus, too, a pair of geeks**_

_**We could capture them next**_

_**And force them to wear perfume that reeks**_

Kankers: _**Go after other guys**_

_**Quiet as a mime**_

_**And when we're tormenting them**_

_**It seems like old times**_

_**Because the Eds were insensitive, leaving us in despair**_

_**Staring at those dumb cheerleaders? They cannot compare**_

May: _**And they'll have so much jealousy**_

_**That Ed will soon come back to me**_

Marie and Lee: _**And after that, we'll have a date**_

_**Though we might have to wait**_

_**We're pretty annoyed when**_

_**Our men look the other way**_

_**But once we get this rolling**_

_**They could come back today!**_

Marie: _**Those cheerleaders are really dead**_

Lee: _**They're really nasty**_

May: _**I want Ed!**_

Marie: _**Shut up!**_

May: _**Make me!**_

Marie: _**I've got something, listen now**_

_**Since Jason and Marcus invent**_

_**A lot of pranks and stuff like that**_

_**We'll use them for our intent**_

_**And make things that squash those girls flat**_

_**Or things to trap the Eds for me**_

Kankers: _**And then we'll have them**_

_**One, two, three**_

_**Go after other guys, give 'em all we've got**_

_**When the Eds get really mad, lessons have been taught**_

_**Go after other guys, smack 'em round a bit**_

_**Even though they're not the Eds, we just might like it**_

_**Go after other guys, and they'll spread the news**_

**_When a Kanker's after you, you will always lose!_**

**_

* * *

_**What the Eds are doing to the cheerleaders is actually what I did when I went to the camp this is based on. Can you blame me? Virtually all the guys would peer in on the cheerleaders, and occasionally get a wave! Ah, memories.

Also, a note on the cheerleaders. If this was a TV episode or something, we wouldn't "see" them. Instead they'd be portrayed in shadow or the action with them would all be featured offscreen and we would only see the main characters' reactions. There was an episode with football players in "Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy," think about that one.


	2. A Whole Lotta Villains

Hobbes was watching Calvin, who is still bouncing around with the cheerleaders. "He's been in there for a while..." remarked the tiger.

Calvin eventually went flying out of the gym, finally kicked out, although not intentionally, seeing as the cheerleaders weren't even aware he was flying around with them in the first place.

"I notice that you didn't get the 'Bound Kanker' treatment," said Hobbes.

"I don't think they even noticed me!" sputtered Calvin.

"Poor Calvin!" cried Ed. He and the others ran over, momentarily distracted from the cheerleaders.

"Oh dear," fretted Double D, "we saw you in there!"

Eddy proudly shook Calvin's hand. "Here's the man of the hour! How was it Calvin, grab anything you shouldn't have in there?"

Calvin growled and finally told the Eds what he thought. "I'm sick and tired of you guys looking at the cheerleaders! Thanks to you, I lost my treehouse!"

"But how could we have caused that?" Double D asked, honestly not knowing what was going on.

Calvin realized the Eds had done nothing on purpose, and softened up. "See, if you guys aren't scamming, then that means that..."

"Yeah, yeah," interrupted Eddy, "more details on the cheerleaders! How did they smell?"

"Listen to me!" exclaimed Calvin. "You have to forget about these girls! And for your information, it wasn't fun at all with me being bounced around like a volleyball!"

"You called?" asked a high-pitched voice. Everyone turned around to see...

"The Volleyball of Terror!" cried Hobbes. "I thought you popped!"

A volleyball rolled out, with an evil, grinning face on him. "It takes more than that to keep me down! But you're not of my concern. Tell me where my creators are, or you'll get the biggest thrashing yet!"

The Volleyball of Terror was a creation by Jason and Marcus, mostly for laughs and curiosity. Somehow, he came out evil and was very bouncy, although he felt like a ton of bricks when he hit someone. For this reason, he was very dangerous, and bent on destroying everyone he saw.

"We don't even know where Jason and Marcus are!" Double D told him truthfully.

The Volleyball circled them, thinking hard. "Hmmm...I'm not sure if I believe you or not..." He noticed the cheerleaders. "...on the other nonexistent hand, those adorable girls would make wonderful target practice. Now, be dears and warn the boys that brought me life that I PLAN TO END THEIRS!" Laughing, he bounces into the gym and began to attack the cheerleaders, singing all the way. "Volleyball of Terror, Volleyball of Terror!"

"Well," shrugged Hobbes, "that solves the cheerleader problem, sort of."

"We have to warn the others!" cried Double D.

"Not cool!" yelled Ed.

Calvin nodded. "Right, warn the others, and then get back to scamming, will you?"

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Jason and Marcus were in the hall, hard at work building a stand made out of the wood they'd taken from Calvin's treehouse. Unlike the Eds' scam booths, this one was bigger and more flamboyant. Jason was surveying it with complex blueprints.

"Okay," said Marcus, "I have the entrance ready."

"Good. Now let's work on the top level and the basement."

Marcus grabbed some wood, but stopped. "Uh, what are we building again? What's our business?"

"I don't know yet," shrugged Jason. "But presentation is everything."

Suddenly, Charlie Brown ran by, being chased by Lee. "Good grief!"

"That was weird," said Marcus, who was bending down to get more wood. "Why is Lee chasing a non-Ed?"

"Beats me," said Jason. Marcus looked up to see that Jason had been quickly tied to a column by May and Marie. Before he could react, he was pounced on as well.

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The Eds, Calvin and Hobbes ran into the main room, ready to warn everyone that there was a volleyball on the lose. When they got there, they saw Nazz standing up on a table making an announcement.

"Attention, everyone! We, like, have a new camper here!" She motioned to an odd-looking boy wearing a hat and overcoat standing next to her. "This is...is...what's your name, dude?"

"Bill. Call me Bill." He spoke quietly and quickly.

"Okay," said Nazz, a little put off by how quiet the boy was. "Here's Bill!"

A few people waved and said hello. There was a long silence, as everyone waited for Bill to say something about himself. Instead, he slunk away.

"Wow," murmured Nazz, "he's weird."

"Hey," Calvin whispered to Hobbes, "how come no one introduced US when WE were new?"

Double D jumped up onto the table in the same spot where Bill and Nazz had been. "Wait! We have an announcement as well! Hard as it is to believe, there is a living volleyball out to get us!"

Everyone laughed or rolled their eyes. Eddy rushed to his friend's defense. "Yeah, I'd be laughing too, but look at the cheerleaders!" He opened the door to the gym, revealing lots of injured cheerleaders.

Everyone was shocked. "Oh man," whispered Kevin.

"What could have happened to them?" wondered Linus.

"The night beast is among us!" cried Rolf, who was the most terrified. "And when the night beast attacks during the day, it means it has become even more vicious! EVERYONE HIDE!"

The camp went into a full-blown panic. Volleyball or night beast or something else, whatever had did that to the cheerleaders was not friendly.

"Wait a second!" Calvin struggled to be heard as kids ran in every direction. "It's really a volleyball!"

Ed bounded past him. "AAAAHHHHH! NIGHT BEAST!"

"Ed," Calvin called after him, "you KNOW it's a volleyball!"

Hobbes tugged on his friend and headed towards the hall. "Well, the fact we've got people hiding is the important part. Let's find something sharp and take care of this thing once and for all."

"Right," agreed Calvin.

Ed ran by again, holding onto Eddy and Double D this time. "Run, guys!"

"THERE IS NO NIGHT BEAST!" protested Eddy.

As all this was happening, Bill calmly strolled through the scrambling crowd. Everyone was too busy running in circles to notice him.

"How easy it is to get these fools distracted," Bill mused to himself. "I would have done it myself, but all this random panic of volleyballs and beasts is genius! Very convenient, too." He began to rummage through kids' backpacks.

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Out in the hall, unaware of the current frenzy that was happening in the main room Jason, Marcus, and Charlie Brown lay against the wall covered in kiss marks, completely limp. The Kankers were plotting a few feet away from them about what they would do next.

"Think we worked 'em over good?" asked Marie.

May was in tears yet again. "It doesn't matter! The Eds didn't even see it!"

"Shut up, May!" yelled Marie.

"May's right this time," admitted Lee. "We had some fun, but what we really want is the Eds. Let's find 'em."

Before they headed off, Marie warned their victims, "You three better stay here!"

Charlie Brown gurgled. "I hope the Little Red-Haired Girl can't see me now. What do you think she would think? Would she comfort me...or just laugh?"

"Charlie Brown," sighed Jason, "she doesn't even go to this camp."

"We have to get out of here..." Marcus gasped for breath.

"I can't even move," said Jason.

The Volleyball of Terror bounced by and paused at them, wondering whether or not to attack. "Too easy." He bounced away. "Call me when you're conscious!"

"Was that a talking volleyball?" Charlie Brown asked weakly.

"No," Jason said quickly, "you're delusional."

They looked up to see the strange Bill walking over. He deposited various items he's stolen from the kids' backpacks in front of the weak boys. "There we go," he said to himself. "And one more thing..." Taking out a red marker, Bill scribbled "Red-Handed Criminals" on the wall.

Marcus managed to sit up a little. "What...what is this?"

Bill didn't even make eye contact. "Just framing you, that's all."

"Who the heck are you?" asked Jason, feeling a little less weak.

"I almost forgot..." Bill took off his hat, overcoat and sunglasses to reveal that he was not "Bill" at all, but Jason and Marcus's old rival...

"Eugene!"

Eugene had been playing mindgames with the campers, planning to bring the camp down from the inside for his own amusement much earlier at camp, before Jason and Marcus arrived and revealed his evil plot. Ever since then, he had been planning revenge.

"It's been a long time," said Eugene. "I just decided to stir things up a bit! When your fellow moronic campers figure out they can come out of hiding, they'll find you with everything I've stolen! Hopefully their little brains will be able to put two and two together." He turned to Charlie Brown. "Oh, they'll probably beat up on you, too. Nothing against you personally, you're just in the wrong place at the wrong time right now. In fact, you three look so pathetic and drained sitting there, so I won't even use my cage gun!"

"Cage what?" said Jason.

"Cage gun!" Eugene pulled out a small device. "It fires a small metal mine that latches onto the nearest thing and forms a cage around it that's only unlockable from the outside! I'm rather proud of it." He turned to make a dramatic exit. "I must be going now. Expect to see "Bill" again, someday. You can attempt to reveal me then...but who would ever believe a trio of thieves? And remember this! I will always, always, always be smarter than..."

He was cut off with a smack from the Volleyball of Terror. "Shut up, will ya?"

Eugene grabbed his cage gun and took off after the ball. "A talking volleyball? Is THAT the best this series can come up with?"

"I think I saw the ball again..." stared Charlie Brown.

"No, you didn't," said Jason.

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The Kankers, meanwhile, were still running around camp, searching for the Eds. Instead, they kept finding kids hiding in odd places.

"Have you seen a night beast anywhere?" whispered Schroder, who was hiding in an air vent.

"Where the heck are the Eds?" wondered Lee.

"Something made the kids go crazy!" realized Marie.

May was, (you guessed it!) still crying. "I just want to hug Ed again!"

Lee noticed Calvin walking along with his stuffed tiger, so she quickly grabbed him. "Listen, kid. You're gonna help us find the Eds right now."

"Make me!" Calvin was too busy looking for the Volleyball of Terror.

Just then, Eugene ran by, firing his cage gun at the Volleyball. One random shot hit Calvin, trapping him in a cage.

"Guide us along, Calvin," sneered Marie, dragging Calvin away, leaving Hobbes lying on the ground.

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Meanwhile, Jason, Marcus, and Charlie Brown were slowly limping away, still lying where they had been before. The Kankers walked by. "Leave and you're dead!" they called.

"HELP ME!" cried Calvin.

By this time, Jason and Marcus were feeling a little better (and most of the limping had been for show). "Think we're up to saving him?" asked Jason.

"I hope so," said Marcus. "You'd better get out of here, Charlie Brown."

Jason and Marcus set off after the Kankers, and Charlie Brown started to limp away, before noticing Eugene towering over him.

"Sorry, my dear boy," said Eugene, aiming his cage gun, "but now that you know my secret, I can't let you go tell everyone." One fire from the gun and Charlie Brown found himself sitting in a small, metal cage. Eugene grabbed it and struggled to drag it back towards the stolen goods. "It would help, though, if these things weren't so heavy..."

Eugene looked up and noticed Jason and Marcus following the Kankers. They were much more important than Charlie Brown! "Those two! Well, gotta run." Grabbing his cage gun, he began to chase them.

By this time, the Kankers had noticed Jason and Marcus following them. "We warned you!" growled Lee. "You're dead!"

Lee threw the cage holding Calvin at them. Instead, the cage hits Eugene (who was right behind them) and broke open.

"Watch it!" yelled a dazed Eugene. "I'll teach you!" Growling, he sprung himself at the Kankers, starting a violent fight. Seeing their chance, Jason and Marcus ran for it.

Charlie Brown, on the other hand, still sat in his cage. "Good grief, how did I get into this?"

The Volleyball of Terror rolled over, finally finding a victim. "I don't know, but you're making my life a lot of fun!" He began to repeatedly bounce against his cage, eventually breaking it open. He was about to attack Charlie Brown when Calvin ran by and threw the ball into the Eugene-Kanker fray, making things worse.

"Now, let's RUN!" yelled Jason.

Calvin screeched to a halt. "Wait, I have to get Hobbes!"

"Don't follow us!" Marcus called after him. "They're not after you!"

Calvin wouldn't hear of it. This was partially his fault, and he would help his friends! He just needed Hobbes. "I'll be right back, don't leave without me!"

Calvin found Hobbes where he had been dropped earlier. "Hobbes, why didn't you help me?"

"I got sleepy."

"Come on, we have to hurry!" Calvin grabbed his tiger by the tail

They ran outside to find Jason, Marcus, and Charlie Brown driving off on three scooters. "Guys! Come back!" Calvin couldn't catch up with them.

Just before they rounded a corner, Jason threw a paper airplane to him. Calvin picked it up to find it was a note.

"_Dear Calvin and Hobbes,_

_Sorry we couldn't take you with us, but it's too dangerous. We don't know why everyone is coming after us at once, especially the Kanker Sisters, but we know we can't stay here any longer. We have decided to find a place where we can be free and safe. A wonderful, magical place...but when we realized that would take a long time to get to, we just decided to go to Wal-Mart instead._

_Your friends who you probably won't see again this summer,_

_Jason, Marcus and Charlie Brown_

Calvin put the note down. "What have I done?" He sat and sadly stared at the road where he had just seen his friends vanish.

He didn't realize that from a distance, the Kankers, Eugene, and the Volleyball of Terror were listening...

* * *

In case anyone is wondering, the Volleyball of Terror is original. Weird, but original. 


	3. Giant Chase Scene

Blissfully unaware of most of the events going on around them, the Eds were getting ready for the return of the cheerleaders who took some time off due to their...incident.

Eddy was the most excited and happily waltzed through camp, singing all the way.

(To the tune of "The Crew Song" from _Anything Goes_)

Eddy: _**The cheerleaders will fall for me, you guys**_

_**I'm the right person to be, you guys**_

_**With my charm and my wit, how could you not hate?**_

_**Why, a special cheer to me they'll dedicate!**_

"How very charming," Double D rolled his eyes. "Have you seen the Volleyball of Terror anywhere?"

"Nah," said Eddy, "he's probably gone by now. Pass me the cologne."

Ed tossed Eddy a pine scent air freshener. "Lookin' good, Eddy!"

Double D sighed deeply. Forget about the Volleyball, he decided. It was probably on its way, anyhow. "Oh, what makes you think they're going to fall for your lewd gestures and comments?"

"I didn't really understand what you just said, but girls dig this kind of stuff! You've gotta be controlling, put them in their place! After all..." Eddy continued singing.

_**I am the handsomest, too, you guys**_

_**Well, at least better than you, you guys**_

_**Camp won't be boring when this guy is done scoring**_

_**And the cheerleaders will fall for me!**_

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Jason, Marcus, and Charlie Brown finally arrived at Wal-Mart, which was quite a ways away from camp. "Here we are," announced Jason as they went inside. "Our new summer home!"

"I call video games!" said Marcus.

"Who's going to feed my dog?" wondered Charlie Brown.

"Look at it this way," grinned Jason, "you can buy him a barrelful of food here! That'll make up for the rest of the summer when you get home."

"Good grief," sighed Charlie Brown.

"Yes," said Marcus, taking a look around him, "this place seems like a good home. For the rest of summer."

"Or maybe our lives," added Jason.

"This stinks."

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Outside, the sky had turned dark again. Through the clouds Eugene's blimp emerged. "You can't escape me, my moronic rivals! Ha ha ha!"

Unbeknownst to Eugene, the Kankers and the Volleyball of Terror were clutching to the bottom of the blimp (how the Volleyball clutched, though, is a mystery).

"They're mine!" hissed Lee.

"And mine!" agreed May and Marie.

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Charlie Brown was looking for dog food at Wal-Mart. "I'll have to figure out how to feed Snoopy somehow. Otherwise, PETA will be on me like...like...like...oh, Linus could always come up with the analogies."

"I'm playing the world's smallest violin," said a high-pitched voice behind him. "Least, I would if I had any hands.

Charlie Brown whirled around to see a volleyball sitting in the isle. It suddenly had a face and was heading right for him! "Now I'm gonna kill you. VOLLEYBALL OF TERROR!"

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Meanwhile, Jason was checking out the DVDs. "Man, look at all these things! I'm pretty sure I've downloaded them all already."

"So sad," nodded Marcus.

The Kankers suddenly jumped out from seemingly nowhere. "Cut the talk and start the kissing, girls!" shouted Lee.

Jason and Marcus screamed. They needed an escape plan fast. Thinking fast, Jason jumped into a shopping cart and yanked Marcus in. They began to roll faster and faster. "Warp speed!"

They flew down the isles. The Kankers did nothing.

"Why aren't we chasing them?" complained May.

Lee watched the boys escape. "The time will come, May. The time will come."

Marie walked off. "I'll be in cosmetics."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eugene was taking a break from chasing Jason and Marcus. He sat in the small pets section with the Siamese Fighting Fish. He had put them in a cup together and watched them fight. "Fight, my gladiators! Fight for your emperor!"

Jason and Marcus drove by, not noticing him. "We've gotta find Charlie Brown!"

"Ah, there they are," said Eugene. "Oh, Jason and Marcus. If only you were _Betta splendens_. Then I wouldn't have to do a thing except watch you fight to the death. And yet, if I didn't cause it, what fun would that be? Hmm...being an evil villain is fun, but it gets rather lonely when there's no one to talk to. Well, at least I have my fish."

Eugene looked back to see that both the fish were belly-up. "Dead already? And I missed it? Oh, those boys are gonna get it now!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jason and Marcus zoomed down the isles, stopping to rescue Charlie Brown from the Volleyball along the way. "I swear," gasped Charlie Brown. "that ball was after me!"

"We just can't take you anywhere," said Jason.

Behind them, the Volleyball of Terror was bounding closer and closer. "Get back here, runts!"

"We can lose him in the Halloween section!" suggested Marcus.

"Halloween already?" said Charlie Brown "Good grief, they're setting those up earlier and earlier."

They wove through the isles full of witches and pumpkins, but that didn't stop the Volleyball from keeping up with them. "I'm right at home here, kiddies! No stopping this ball!"

"Next up's Christmas!" cried Marcus. He suddenly realized how silly that was. "Wait, what?"

Jason snagged an ornament from a tree. While Marcus took a turn steering the cart, Jason pointed the sharp end of the ornament at the Volleyball. "Stay back, ball! This thing's sharp and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"You're bluffing!" glared the Volleyball of Terror.

"Why would I bluff?"

"Good point. I'm outta here! But watch your back, 'cause I'll return!" He bounced off.

"Now what?" asked Charlie Brown. They had lost the Volleyball and the Kankers, but they still had nowhere to go.

"I think we should hide in an isle where no one would look for us," said Marcus, "then make a plan."

"And I know just where to go!" said Jason. "...sports goods."

Charlie Brown and Marcus agreed this was a good idea and they drove their cart across the shop. But just as they approached the isle, someone in his own cart swung a fishing pole at them and grabbed their cart's handle! It was Eugene!

"Lucky me!" cackled the villainous nerd. "I wanted to wrangle a few more _Betta_'s and look who passes by! Wonderful, wonderful! Wonder what I'll do now..."

Jason tried to drive the cart away, but now that Eugene was hooked to their cart, he could simply follow them wherever they went!

A lightbulb went off over Marcus's head. "Get us to school supplies NOW!"

They drove by, and Marcus grabbed a pair of scissors. "Try following us after this, Eugene!"

Marcus was about to cut the fishing line that had snagged their cart when Eugene pulled out a gun and pointed it at his head. "Make one move and get it between the eyes!"

"Another cage gun?" said Charlie Brown.

Eugene smiled. "No, no, a normal BB gun. I prefer to experiment with all kinds of weapons. Now put down the scissors and bring the cart to a gradual stop."

"Man, didn't you see _A Christmas Story_?" complained Marcus.

Jason had an idea. "Okay, Eugene...EVERYONE, JUMP!" He, Marcus, and Charlie Brown jumped out of their cart. With no one to steer the front cart, the hooked-on Eugene and his other cart careened down the isles.

"Oh, you did not just do that!" squealed Eugene as he rolled farther and farther away from his enemies. "You're so immature!"

The carts hit a bump and went flying through the air, along with Eugene. He landed in one of them, the other cart landing on top, forming a cage. "Laugh now," he called to the trio, who was running for it, "but I'll be out of there before you can say..."

"VOLLEYBALL OF TERROR, VOLLEYBALL OF TERROR!" The Volleyball bounced right through the cart-cage, freeing (and smacking) Eugene.

Jason and the others, meanwhile, ducked into a cards section. "That was close," panted Jason.

"We have to get out of here!" said Charlie Brown.

"Are you kidding?" cried Marcus. "The Kankers are probably hiding at all the exits, just waiting for us!"

"Actually, we're right here," Marie and her sisters were standing right next to them.

"Hiya, boys!" chorused the Kankers.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

At that second, the Volleyball of Terror and Eugene rode through on a cart, crashing into the Kankers.

"Watch it!" Lee shoved Eugene off of her. "And now they're getting away!"

"You know," said Eugene, "typically, the villains work together at this point, when they realize they're stronger as a team, rather than individuals."

The Kankers looked at each other. Instead, they shoved the Volleyball of Terror into Eugene's mouth and ran off.

Eugene angrily spat the Volleyball out. "Fools! Before, we were neutral! But now we are enemies!"

The Volleyball smacked him in the face. "Just stop talking! Really!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once the boys were farther away from the villains, Jason announced, "Split up and hide!"

"Right!"

Marcus stumbled blindly through the isles, not knowing or caring where he was going. When he finally looked up, he realized that he was surrounded by woman's underwear. Without a word (and looking paler than normal), Marcus took off in the other direction, before being yanked into a clothing rack by Jason.

"I said to split up!" hissed Jason.

"Yeah, well where I went, you might not get out alive!" Marcus shot back.

Jason slumped to the floor. "We're probably doomed here, too. We can't leave. We won't even make it to the door. Besides, wherever we go, they'll follow."

(To the tune of "Learn to Do it (reprise) from _Anastasia_)

Jason: _**We're hiding here**_

_**But what I fear**_

_**Is that our end has come**_

Marcus: _**We're still a pair**_

_**Go down with flair**_

_**But still, I'm feeling dumb**_

Jason: _**Goodbye, old friend**_

_**I'll see you soon**_

Marcus: _**There is still hope, I know**_

Jason: _**But I just don't feel so smart**_

_**A death in a Wal-Mart?**_

Both: _**A pretty stupid way to go**_

* * *

I think my favorite scenes here are the songs. The Eds' silly number reflects how they have no idea of the events going on around them, and Jason and Marcus's sad song with a bit of hope contrasts it nicely. Oh, and I love Eugene's monologue with the fish. Last chapter coming soon! Maybe with an epilogue, too. 


	4. Giant Chase Scene II

Calvin and Hobbes, meanwhile, had gotten a scooter of their own and were on their way to Wal-Mart to find Jason and Marcus and bring them back to camp. And if they found Charlie Brown, that would be alright, too.

"Okay," said Calvin, "we find them, I say I'm sorry, and we go home."

Hobbes narrowed his eyes. "Are you going to tell them the whole truth?"

"Uh...if I have to, yeah. But it probably won't come to that, right? Right. Let's roll, Hobbes!"

As they sped down the road, Hobbes wondered to himself, "Whatever happened to all those villains we were fighting...?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost two hours later, Jason and Marcus were still hiding in the clothing rack. It had been almost humble, a home. Well, as much home as a clothing rack can provide. Still, they both knew they had to leave sometime. After all, shirts are hard to digest if one has to reduce their diets to strictly clothing items.

"Do you think they're still out there?" whispered Jason.

"I don't know," Marcus whispered back. "Why don't you check?"

Jason stubbornly refused. "Hey, it was my idea to hide. Someone needs to think about responsibilities."

"We could flip a coin," suggested Marcus.

"I'm broke."

"Gee, you sure had money for that Gamecube game!"

"Well," reasoned Jason, "you can't flip a dollar bill! There. I win. You look."

At that moment, Charlie Brown stuck his head in, to their surprise. "Uh...guys? The Kankers are sort of out here right now, listening. It's pretty interesting, but you should probably run."

Before they could, two pairs of arms (belonging to May and Marie) shot in through the shirts and yanked the startled boys out. May squeezed Marcus. "Look what we found, girls!" she giggled.

Marie tossed Jason over her shoulder. "Let's find a warm, cozy, place to kiss 'em!"

"Wasn't the point of this to make the Eds jealous?" asked Jason.

Lee shrugged. "It's more of a principal thing now."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes finally reached the Wal-Mart entrance. Unfortunately, it was a pretty big store.

"Where do you think they would be?" asked Calvin, scanning the isles.

"Probably with the video games," said Hobbes.

"Okay, let's find them and...Hey!" Calvin's eyes lit up. "A gumball machine! And me without a quarter! Okay, apology mission on hold till I find some spare change."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Calvin searched for spare change, Jason, Marcus, and Charlie Brown were having more serious problems. The Kankers had easily dragged them into a changing booth (they were too scared and to resist), tied them up, and hung them on the wall.

"Okay," Lee told them, "we've got it all figured out. Me and Marie will do the kissing, and May's gonna do the filming."

"Hey!" whined May. "How come you get to have all the fun?"

"Come on, you always talk about how creative you are!" She cuddled up to a disturbed Jason. "Get some good angles of me with my new boyfriend!"

"Wouldn't you rather kill me?" shuddered Jason.

Before the fun could start, there was a knock on the door. "WE'RE BUSY!" The Kankers snapped.

"I'm giving out free lipstick!" called the voice outside.

The Kankers eagerly opened the door to find the Volleyball of Terror smiling up at them. "MORONS! Volleyball of Terror, Volleyball of Terror!" He happily bounced from person to person, singing all the way. "I'll hit you and you and you and you and you and I'll hit you twice and..."

At that moment, Eugene burst in with yet another gun. "Everyone freeze! Give me the prisoners!"

"What kind of gun is that?" asked Charlie Brown.

Eugene looked at it. "I can't remember. Let's find out!" He shot at the Kankers, forming a cage around the three of them.

"A cage gun?" whined Eugene. "Aww, I thought I grabbed the bazooka!"

"Yeesh," said Jason, "learn your weapons, buddy! Everyone knows the difference between THOSE two!"

"Did he just say he has a bazooka?" Marcus whispered to Charlie Brown.

Wanting to save whatever face he had left, Eugene regained his composure. "Now, then. Should I destroy all of you now, or release you and hunt you again?"

"Why not flip a coin?" said Charlie Brown.

"I'm broke," called Jason.

Marcus glared at him. "Gee, you sure had money for that Gamecube game!"

"Well, you can't flip a dollar bill..."

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" cried Eugene. "I have a quarter!"

The Volleyball of Terror suddenly bit the ropes holding the boys and sent them running.

"No fair!" complained Eugene. "I couldn't flip! Why did you do that?"

"For chaos," smiled the volleyball. "I live for this stuff! Actually, I live because of my creators. I should be thankful." He paused, as if in deep thought. "Well, time to pummel 'em."

Calvin dashed over a snatched the quarter from Eugene, not paying attention to who he was. "Hey, a quarter! Can I borrow this? Thanks."

Eugene gasped as the boy ran off. "What the?! Who...oh, never mind. I'll get you yet!" He dashed off.

With everyone gone, the Kankers were left lying alone in their cage. Lee calmly pulled the bars apart with her bare hands and stepped out. "Well, that was fun."

"Yeah," said May, "but I miss Big Ed. Think we should go back?"

"Totally," nodded Marie. "Forget these nerds, our REAL boyfriends are waiting!"

"Besides," added Lee, "security's probably gonna be on their butts in five more minutes."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin and Hobbes were back at the gumball machine. "Didn't that kid look familiar?" asked Hobbes.

"Not now, Hobbes. I have to concentrate and pray that I get a blue gumball."

"Why?"

"Everyone knows blue ones are the best!" explained Calvin.

"I like white the best."

"What, are you racist or something?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jason and Marcus dashed through the foods section. "Forget everything, that doesn't involve running!" cried Jason.

"I'm right behind you!" called Marcus. "Well, technically, I'm in front of you by an inch, but..."

They screeched to a halt as Eugene dropped in front of them from a nearby shelf. "This is the end," he hissed.

"Arm yourself!" shouted Jason. "It's time for a produce battle!"

The three boys grabbed some cucumbers and began to smack each other.

"I'm sorry," said Marcus, "this is just stupid."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charlie Brown was running down a different isle when he came to one of the scariest sights he would ever see...a floor covered with volleyballs!

He heard a familiar high-pitched voice. "That's right, Mr. Brown...volleyballs! But which of us is real? I shall give you one chance. There is a needle next to you. Make your decision quickly. Stab the wrong one and I attack!"

Charlie Brown stood, trembling, in front of the balls, carefully considering his descision. After a second, the Volleyball of Terror jumped out of nowhere and attacked him. "Ha! None of the balls were me! I'm just nasty like that."

Jason and Marcus drove by in a shopping cart and grabbed Charlie Brown, yet again.

"How many times have we had to rescue you like this, again?" asked Jason.

"Where's Eugene?" panted Charlie Brown.

"We got him with a watermelon," Marcus said proudly.

Eugene suddenly jumped into the cart and smashed a watermelon over Marcus's head. "You mean THIS watermelon? I'll teach you three!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calvin, meanwhile, was still waiting for his gumball to come out.

"It sure takes a while," commented Hobbes.

"It builds the anticipation."

Eugene, Charlie Brown, Jason, and Marcus suddenly crashed the cart through, spilling gumballs everywhere.

Calvin happily scooped up the candy. "It's a miracle!"

Jason struggled to his feet. "Calvin?"

Calvin ran to his friends. "Jason! Marcus! Charlie Brown! ...who's the guy with the gun?"

"How can you not know who I am?" cried Eugene. "I'm the one, the only..."

The Volleyball of Terror bounced through. "Volleyball of Terror!"

"We're a family again," Hobbes muttered sarcastically.

An alarm went off. "Security's coming!" cried Charlie Brown.

"What took them so long, anyway?" wondered Jason.

Eugene freaked out. "WHAT? What will my mom say? I'm too young to go to jail! I won't last!"

"Every kid for himself!" announced Calvin. They started running, yet again.

Hobbes rolled his eyes as they sprinted towards the worker's exit where all the carts went. "'Every kid for himself'? You wouldn't have said that if you were General Calvin."

"Hey, when I'm not wearing the hat, sunglasses, and boots, he doesn't exist. Lay off!"

But just as they were reaching the warehouse exit, they saw a large garage door lowering. Security was going to capture them!

"We're never gonna make it!" cried Jason.

"Retreat!" agreed Marcus.

As they ran the reverse direction, Eugene flew at them, wearing rocket shoes strapped to his feet. "I have no idea why I didn't use these earlier!"

The villain looked up to see the garage door, too late. He smashed into it, leaving a Eugene-shaped imprint. "Oh yeah. They have trouble turning."

Meanwhile, Jason, Marcus, Charlie Brown, Calvin, and Hobbes were sprinting towards the other exit, with a certain Volleyball of Terror bouncing after them.

"I swear," exclaimed Charlie Brown, "there's a talking volleyball behind us!"

"Obviously, this ordeal has done things to you," Jason said sympathetically. "Now, dive!"

They dove under another garage door. The Volleyball attempted to follow them, but got caught in the garage door, which squeezed. And squeezed.

POP!

"CURSE YOU!"

Everyone sat on the ground, panting. It took them a few seconds to realize what had happened. They had won.

Calvin rushed to his friends. "We made it! Aw, guys, I missed you!"

"Someone actually missed me?" Charlie Brown smiled hopefully.

"Let's go home," Jason sighed, relieved.

Whipping out the fishing rod from earlier, they hooked onto a car and rode after it in a shopping cart. "Just hope this thing's going the right way," said Jason.

Marcus turned to Calvin. "So you came just to get us to come back?"

"Well, also to apologize. You see..."

Before Calvin could finish, someone riding on a car roof behind them made his presence known. Eugene was armed and ready. "You're not escaping this time! Take THIS!" The villain aimed his cage gun at the startled boys, who were all caught off-guard.

But not Charlie Brown.

He had been repeatedly chased, captured, kissed, bullied by talking volleyballs, and talked down to throughout the day. His life was full of people like Lucy making him miserable. Now he was taking a stand.

He jumped and grabbed the gun, struggling to twist it towards Eugene. Thankfully, Eugene wasn't the strongest boy in the world, and he was soon on the wrong end. The trigger was pulled, and Eugene was sitting in a cage a few seconds later. The cage toppled down a hill, into a small pond.

Charlie Brown panted, relieved. He could hear his friends cheering. "Yay, Charlie Brown!"

Unfortunately, the car was getting farther and farther away, and they hadn't noticed that Charlie Brown wasn't riding with them, anymore. With a groan, the round-headed kid took off after them. "Wait! WAIT! Oh, good grief!"


	5. Epilogue

Eugene sat alone in his cage...in the pond. It was a pretty humiliating sight. A random duck swam over to him. "I hate you," Eugene hissed at the waterfowl.

A shadow loomed over to him. Eugene looked up, but couldn't make out who it was. Was it security?

"Nice work," said the figure, "but you need a little tightening up. I could help you, you know."

"Who are you?" asked Eugene.

"My card. You show true potential."

Eugene took the stranger's card and was astonished to read the name. "Gannondorf? THE Gannondorf?! This is amazing!"

"Call me," said Gannondorf, who began to stroll away.

"Wait a second!" called Eugene. "Aren't you going to help me out?"

"Of course not. I'm a villain. Get out on your own." And with that, Gannondorf was gone.

"SO immature," grumbled Eugene, as a couple more ducks swam by.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, the others finally arrived back at camp. Charlie Brown ran up a second later, panting. He collapsed.

"Man," said Jason, "you're out of shape. I could have calculated how far you ran in miles, but being chased by Kankers really takes a lot out of you! That's probably gonna scar us for life!"

"Hey, Calvin, what did you want to apologize for, anyway?" asked Marcus.

"Nothing."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in the main room, most of the other kids were still hiding from the "Night Beast" that may not have existed.

The Eds, however, were still waiting for the cheerleaders, who had suffered recent volleyball-related injuries.

"Got the note?" asked Eddy.

Ed held up a note that said "Get well soon, pretty cheerleaders!".

"Crude, but sweet," commented Double D. "Well done."

Before they could deliver the note, the Eds turned around to see the Kankers standing right behind them.

"SO!" growled Lee. "Lookin' at other girls, are ya?"

"Run, boys," Eddy said wearily.

"That was fun, Eddy," said Ed, as they dashed down the hall. "Let's do it again sometime!"

"If only!" cried Double D.

Calvin watched the poor Eds from a safe distance and turned to Hobbes. "Well, our problems are solved, Hobbes. Everything is in its natural swing again."

Hobbes looked uncomfortable. "I suppose, but it's not really fair that you got off scot free, not even having to apologize."

"Hey, we all get lucky sometimes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I hear my treehouse calling."

Jason and Marcus ran by. "Guess what!" called Jason. "Being free of those pests put Marcus and me in the mood for our OWN scam! We took the treehouse again. Bye."

Calvin fainted.

"Karma strikes again," smiled Hobbes.

* * *

And so ends another bizarre saga in camp. Stay tuned for yet another one! 


End file.
